THE JOURNEY TO BEING FOUND

Self care; the one word that soothes my soul and instantly beckons me to gladness. However it looks like, I advocate for self care; whether it is physical, psychological, social, emotional, mental or most importantly spiritual (soul care). Self care is a representation of how we extend kindness to ourselves, how we pause to internalize all that we are (being) and often, how we reward ourselves. Self care can either be pleasurable, healing or both.

While walking may not be at the top of my list when it comes to decompressing and loving on myself, I appreciate the clarity, the heightened levels of self perception, not to mention the health benefits it brings along i.e. the impact of the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) -which is part of the Central Nervous System- that is responsible for stress response. Walking helps us calm our nerves;  a form of inviting the state of experiencing ourselves and the surrounding as one stares at random things; the people in their day to day hustle and bustle, some resting in the comfort of conversation, others who appear to be waiting on buses or friends. If you’re lucky you get to catch a glimpse of some heartwarming moments, like a mother hugging her kids goodbye as they get on another vehicle or a couple holding hands and laughing, a child making their parent chase them around the side walk or you could enjoy the presence of nothingness where you are caught and lost in nature and the only noise is the swaying of trees and the harmony of birds , animals and insects.

When I set out to walk this past week, I figured that I would experience something close to all that. It started out well and I was left to my thoughts, compartmentalizing but not in a rush to attend to either. I focused on the sound of my sandals touching the concrete and my strides that seemed to go with the pace of the surrounding noise and you could say  I was engulfed in the stillness, the peace ,serenity and pleasure filled gift that was available in that moment. I love my company but the intentional immersion into an activity that yields these soul satisfying results is incomparable.

Suddenly ,

I heard and could feel someone walking closely behind me and I moved aside to give room so he could walk past me but he didn’t. Instead, he attempted to match his pace with mine. He said hello, to which I responded curtly hoping he would move along quickly. He introduced himself and went on to say how he spotted me from a far and wanted to say how beautiful I looked. “Thank you” I simply said and I started to increase my pace  hoping he would tell I wasn’t looking to converse.

I didn’t want to be rude but I made my disinterest plain such that even a passerby could tell, yet I  wonder if he intentionally  chose to ignore all the hints or perhaps he was persisting with the illusion that it was a sign of a man who knows what he wants. Or perhaps, he wanted to ‘shoot his shot’ as we call it nowadays. He asked for my name and I pretended not to hear him but deep down I was trying to come up with a fake name and I am embarrassed to say that I failed . “Mercy? Sharon? Faith? I thought to say but it seemed like I hadn’t put much thought to it while “Hayley” sounded like a lie even saying it to myself and without thinking I blurted,

Me:  Chebet

Perhaps this fueled his pursuit and he must’ve assumed I was slowly warming up to him because he went on to say how it is strange to find someone like me in such areas let alone a Kalenjin. I didn’t respond and yet he took it upon himself to inform me on how people meet and the great ways connections are formed. Granted, part of his statement was true but it didn’t mean I was instantly sold into the idea; with him.

I was wearing a Christ My Anchor hoodie and it was at this moment that I wished I had selected a different kind of clothing. Not to say I am ashamed of it and the public confession of faith promoted by my attire but I was afraid he would attack my genuine lack of disinterest and use my hoodie representation against me. He went on to say the area he lived and kept asking where I was headed and if I wanted to join him to a club he was going to so we could “chill”.

I couldn’t stand it anymore so I decided to be blunt because the mumbling going on beneath my mask had no audience and he couldn’t read the annoyance and the expressions I was making.

Me: Thank you so much for your kind words but I really want to walk and enjoy some peace and quiet, slowly and with no conversation and you are crowding me.

Him: No problem, I will walk slowly. I am not in a hurry. 

You can imagine my frustration at his obstinance. He wasn’t budging.  I  had been so focused on losing him that I didn’t even realize I was almost at the end of the road. There goes my attempt at solitude! Knowing I had been as kind as I could, trying to let him off easy,  the only thing left for me was to choose silence; total silence. To my surprise, he kept going and he mentioned how we were all Kenyans and had to live together. “What did that have to do with the fact that he was invading personal space? “ I thought.

Him:  Do you have someone in your life? Are you married? Are you taken? Is someone hitting on you? You look really good and I want to be that person.

Silence

He continues “I want to know you . Where are you going?”

It was getting creepier and scarier by the minute and I thank God it was a stretch that wasn’t secluded. Couldn’t he tell he was coming on too strong or that I wasn’t interested? If you ask me to point him out in a crowd , I wouldn’t be able to, mask factor aside because  I didn’t take a look at him.

After what seemed like hours, my lack of response ushered him out of my way and to my relief, he branched off to another road.

This isn’t the first time I have been in such a situation, there’s been some FBI stalking and ‘agents’ employed at some point; in person and online. Let’s just say, if a novel were to be written, it would be a compilation of hilarious stories.

Perhaps you are thinking about how I may have missed my chance and that people meet in different ways. I see and hear a lot of different ways people have met .The wildest have been on social media; things that just start off as a mere duet in a video or people begin ‘shipping’ or to extents that a guy spots a beautiful lady at the airport, is intrigued and because he has no information , goes on to employ the help of tiktok to find the said girl.

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Who can  tell when a stranger on the side walk will turn into a potential partner? Who’s to say when a hello will be the beginning of “I love you”? Who’s to say when the first glance will usher one into a place of forever lingering and gazing into another’s eyes? Who’s to say when you will meet the one? or be in a place of ‘being found’. If there is something that we can never put a timer on,  it’s love. No one knows when or how. I’d be inclined to say that it hits you when it hits you and when you know you know. 

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I think about love a lot.

You could say I love love. I love being in love. I love loving. I love to be loved. I love seeing love. I love being part of a love story  (I am the friend who remembers their friends’ anniversaries).  Everything that has love, sign me up!

Is there a way to know or even be ready for the opportune time? I’ve been on earth for a while and I assure you had we been let in on the how’s we would lose the magic that comes with falling unexpectedly.

There are a lot of “How to” books and information on the internet . How to cook beef, how to apologize, how to painlessly break up….how to save 20,000 in a week. Is there information on “How to Love” ? Yes there is. There is a range of  answers  that seem to answer the question we ache to ask : How do I find love? How do I stay ready? How will I know he is the one? Psychologists (certified and self taught)  have outlined ways to find love, what to do to be ready as well as practical steps that guarantee success but can it really be tied to a formula? What if none  of it has worked? Do we then resort to despair and cancel ourselves and opt to live vicariously through couples we know or see on social media? If and when we find this love, does it mean that we have accomplished all there is in life? Is it a destination we should strive to get to?

I will not attempt to add to the points and guidelines already accessible on the internet. Instead, I will devote myself to sharing my personal journey of love : both in the waiting process and in being found. :-).

I will agree with Erica Jong and say “Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.”

The Question is “Will you?”

“Am I?” Let’s find out. 

You are light and you are so loved. Stay Anchored and keep His light shining through