BROKEN TO BECOME

It is not an easy task to pen down thoughts to share with the world when it hits close to home; at least not without being awash with emotion. Struggling to see through the tears; my heart is in shambles as memories of my journey through the wilderness are  painfully beckoned. 

“The Lord is my shepherd… though I walk through the valley…” (Psalms 23)

“Where is God??? If He is who He says, how can he just sit there and watch us suffer like this? “

In my interactions with different people in the course of my life so far, I have had the opportunity to listen to a myriad stories, and I realize that as we continue to advance from one level of glory to the next, life happens in the most unexpected, even traumatizing, of ways. I have listened to people who mourned the loss of loved ones ; one after another. Others have unfairly lost what they thought was secure employment, or been cheated out of lucrative business deals. Many have suffered such deep betrayal by people they trusted. How many times have you heard of people suffering at the hands of real life witches and wizards? I’m sad to say that I have heard it so many times. In all this, I have wondered, “Where is God while all this is happening?” When you don’t know where your next meal is coming from, or how to feed your family. When bill collectors are banging down your door, and you have called everyone in your phone book that you could possibly borrow money from just to get you through now. When you are out of a job because of a global pandemic, or when family stabs you in the back, or so-called friends forsake you, and people begin to look down on you. Strangers form opinions of your life which they know nothing about. Where is God then? Where is God when you have almost lost everything, and your whole life is falling apart to a point you no longer recognize yourself?

As we sojourn on this earth, the harsh realities of life begin to mercilessly beat down on us. Our innocence and naivety are swiftly washed away as we desperately try to hold on to a self that we have come to be comfortably familiar with. Hard truths are revealed: friends and relations are lost; jealousy, competition and envy become commonplace, trust and loyalty are so fickle. It becomes almost unbearable, and, unfortunately, some people give up along the way. 

I empathize with every category mentioned, because I have been there. I have been in that space where my faith, my very foundation, has been so shaken, times when I was the angriest I have ever been with God. Even so, I still kept praying, holding onto fragments of hope, and kept moving on, because there was no other option. In spite of everything, amidst all the noise and through the pain, the Holy Spirit continually reminded me that, no matter what, He will NEVER leave me, nor forsake me.

 

Only after going through the worst storm can we be able to see that God never once let go.

 

In that season, the pain and the trauma was debilitating, I was so disoriented, I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I was so afraid to cry, because I didn’t know if I’d ever stop. It was so dark I felt like I couldn’t breath. I desperately needed to get out of that pit; crawl or claw my way out, but I had to get out! I never knew how I could ever get back to me ; I felt so lost.  I couldn’t recognize myself…

On one cold windy night, as I was on my balcony, I began scrolling through my phone, and happened upon a Prayer that was laid out in dialogue. It was one of the most empowering pieces of literature I have come across to this day. In that moment, as I read through it, I knew that God was ministering His heart to me. It read like this:

Me: Hey God.

God: Hello, my love. 

Me: I’m falling apart. Can you put me back together?

God: I would rather not. 

Me: 🤔

God: Because you are not a puzzle.  

Me: What about all of the pieces of my life that are falling down onto the ground?  

God: Let them stay there for a while. They fell off for a reason. Take some time and decide if you need any of those pieces back. 

Me: You don’t understand! I’m breaking down!  

God: No – you don’t understand. You are breaking through. What you are feeling is just growing pains. You are shedding the things and the people in your life that are holding you back. You are not falling apart. You are falling into place. Relax. Take some deep breaths and allow those things you don’t need anymore to fall off of you. Quit holding onto the pieces that don’t fit you anymore. Let them fall off.  Let them go. 

Me: Once I start doing that, what will be left of me?  

God: Only the very best pieces of you.  

Me: I’m scared of changing.

God: I keep telling you – YOU ARE NOT CHANGING!! YOU ARE BECOMING!

Me: Becoming who?

God: Becoming who I created you to be!  A person of light and love and charity and hope and courage and joy and mercy and grace and compassion. I made you for more than the shallow pieces you have decided to adorn yourself with that you cling to with such greed and fear. Let those things fall off of you. I love you! Don’t change! Become! Become! Become!  Become who I made you to be. I’m going to keep telling you this until you remember it. 

Me: There goes another piece.  

God: Yep. Let it be.

Me: So…I’m not broken? 

God: No – but you are breaking like the dawn.  It’s a new day. Become!! Become!!”

(Prayer courtesy of Facebook: Muthoni Mwangi)

He met me right there where I was: Feeling lost and hopeless. Right there, He assured me that I was right where He wanted me to be ; in a way better state and form than I had ever been before. And, while I would never ever want to go through what I’ve been through to this moment, I absolutely wouldn’t trade it for anything. He allowed me to break, so that I could become.

I pray for Grace over you as you are Broken to Become.

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on your new self, created after the likeness pf God, in true righteousness and holiness.( Ephesians 4:22-24)